What are these people running from? They're not.
They're running to the world's toughest competition in town.
Today, organized crime takes on
the weight loss industry.
It's the classic battle of Feared Mob
versus Fat Slobs.
So get fired up for MXC.
And now here's two guys
that'll never "Fuggetaboudit"...
Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano!
Oh, yeah!
Well, Ken, today's matchup should be an interesting one.
One team, of course, is considered to be
tearing apart the fabric of modern society for decades...
Yeah, they're scary and dangerous.
Indeed. And of course, they'll be going up
against a team of organized gangsters.
Yeah, but I'm rooting for the diet slobs,
'cause they gave me this. Look.
Ah. Some fat-free head cheese and crackers.
Mmm! May I?
Gonna try a little? No! It's mine! Can't have any!
All right, Kenny. But as journalists, we gotta adhere to high standards.
You're not allowed to accept gifts. What?
And speak of the ungifted...
Guy here. Regrettably,
I've overextended myself financially
with some bad wagering. Hey, hey, hey.
And now I'm on the I am. Hello, boys! Well, look who it is.
Well, you're a little late on your payment, Frenchie.
But I'm good for it!
Yeah, well, you got any cash on you right now?
Hey, let me check... No rough-housing.
I have to go talk about the games! Oh, goodbye!
Hey! Hey! Come here! Come here!
First up is the Dead Men Walking.
Pain is out of control with Runaway Stump.
And next it's the sensitive game of Little Man in the Boat.
And we finish ourselves with Tumbling Dominoes of Doom. Uh-huh.
Now let's go to my friend, The Skipper.
First, I'm gonna stick this little man in your boat!
Yeah, stick it in there.
Hmm. Who thinks that organized criminals
are noble renegades like Robin Hood?
Stealing from the undeserving rich,
and giving to the poor? Show of hands?
- Now! Now! - Yay!
Well, you're wrong! And I'll tell ya why.
Mobsters are sociopathic misfits,
glorified in film and television!
Like The Sopranos and Martha Stewart!
You! Sara Lee! What say you?
Gangsters eat too much pasta.
That's carbo-loading,
which everyone knows leads to weight gain,
extortion, and murder.
Uh... so they need more meat or cheese, huh?
Right. They need protein.
Yeah, I got some protein for ya. Ha!
Why does it always end up there?
Let's go!
Yay!
Bonjour. Gidget LeDouche, here.
Bienvenue. I'm sorry.
I pleasure myself with the French language.
First up, the French prison colony game
called Dead Men Walking,
or in my native tongue, Le Promenade des Hommes Morts.
Ha ha ha ha!
Get it on!
And the death row shuttle doors are open,
and we are underway!
Wow, look at all those fatties dieters go.
Right you are, Ken. Of course, Dead Men Walking
was developed by bored death row prison guards,
who wanted to find a fun way to torture inmates
and entertain themselves.
Yeah. They strapped them to electric shoes
that made them race down the green mile.
Right you are, Ken. And the excruciating
electrified foot race has been made fun once again
with the introduction of multi-colored vests.
Earlier, we had a chance to talk to diet team member
Fergie Nedeich, inventor of Weight Whackers.
Well, I shouldn't tell anyone this.
I thought I'd be good in this game
because, back in college,
I used to lock me door and experiment with
a lot of electrical devices.
First, I'd get comfortable, lift me bum, and...
All right, let's get back down to the action.
You can see right there, there's the Butter Scotchers.
These kilted ladies keep their highland heinies svelte
With a steady diet of butter and three-malt scotch. Ow! Ow! Ow!
And there for the organized crime team,
better known as The Raging Bulimics.
Right you are, Ken. You can see in the start
that low-voltage machines gives the contestants a false sense of security.
Before we gradually start to increase it,
and hit 'em with full power. Right there.
That's my favorite part. Yeah, turn it up, guys!
And there you go.
The strategy's simple. The longer they stay in the air,
the less charge to their feet.
And lookit there, Ken!
The first one across, that's Boyz II Made Men,
the Mafia boy band.
And that scores one for the organized crime team.
The other team's out there, hopping mad, and rightly so.
The voltage out there... oh, oh. Look at that, Vic. A fight!
Actually, Ken, those are just muscular spasms,
which will soon be accompanied by the smell of burning hair and flesh.
And there's the second team across the finish line.
That's the dieters. And they, of course,
were all on the Bath Water Fast.
I tried that. It's too salty.
Right you are, Ken. And there in third place,
it's the Mob Boss Mistress team.
Known affectionately as The Whores.
Right. But there's two guys in there.
Right you are, Ken. They, of course,
from the Dilloreenie and Geffenolee families of West Hollywood.
Yeah. They make you a daiquiri you can't refuse.
Let's go down with Mafia mistress Carmela Tromboni.
That game was so painful, my feet are ash.
Right now, I'm standing on blackened ankle bones.
Even the eggs in my basket are singed, if you know what I mean.
And let's go to our MXC Impact Replay.
It's Boyz II Made Men,
just as they take 3,000 volts,
Justin Timberlini, on the end, grounding himself
and taking a full load.
So after one round, the mobsters have taken the lead, 2 to 1.
Ah, what have we got here, Kenny?
Looks like a... oh, I know!
It's an exercise video! I see that on TV all the time!
Yeah, yeah. I got it off an infomercial.
It's called the Bone Flex. Ooo, I see!
It exercises every bone in your body.
Uh-huh. I hooked it up myself.
Well, it doesn't... Wait! Ow! Ow!
Kenny... Ow! My nards!
Kenny, this doesn't look like the video at all.
You sure you're doing it right? Did you read the instructions?
I looked at the pictures! Augh!
When MXC returns, watch the fat roll off
with Runaway Stump.
Got it, chubby?
MXC is back,
as the Murderous Thugs
take on the Gluttonous Slugs.
So, Kenny. What's with the curious getup?
It's a disguise. I'm in witness protection.
Clam up, Ken! Hi, Kenny. Hello, Kenny!
Ladies... hey! How did they know it was me?
Aw, damn it! Damn it!
Oh, now take it easy.
I think it's a great costume.
Yeah, but I got a backup. Hmm...
Oof. Consider yourself whacked.
It's time for Runaway Stump!
As demonstrated here by our intern, Placido Venezuala.
You see how players must keep their balance
while riding this spinning log.
Once false move and... ooh!
You are into the safety fluid.
And what is today's Runaway Stump safety fluid, Ken?
That's superheated liposuction drippings,
courtesy of the Beverly Hills Suck-Hut.
Snap no rankles!
First up for Weight Loss is Martin Eiser,
creator of the Heavy Starch Diet.
Yeah, whatever you don't eat,
you just iron it right into your own shirt.
Right you are, Ken. And as you can see,
Martin's starting off tentatively.
Looks like he might be going for a Corn Crouch
into a Slippery Spud...
Oh, and ending with a Pasta Plunge,
and he is mashed bacon! Ah! French fries!
Go with the flow!
And here's Maxi Tampano.
She runs the feminine protection racket in the Red River Valley.
Yeah. She's known to her enemies as "The Visitor".
Right you are... oh! And her run is over, period.
Let's go down to Gidget, and see what she had to say.
Is your job dangerous?
Yeah. That's why my implants are Kevlar.
They keep me safe, and nothing will penetrate me.
Oh, they're so hard and firm...
May I touch them?
How come you never touch me like that?
Alien huss!
And here's Cole Dooky,
owner of a high-colonic diner.
Their motto? Belly up to the counter,
and we'll heavily push in your stool.
Yeah. I love the Fudge Fiber Swirl,
with a high-pressure water chaser.
Right you are, Ken. Good stuff.
You notice that he's actually wearing
some protective covering on his hands.
Yeah. Those are ass-bestos gloves.
For handling all that steamy hot fiber.
Right you are, Ken. And you notice here,
Cole, moving gingerly,
on that stump.
Looks like he wants to try a difficult movement,
but he's definitely holding onto it, for some reason.
You can't force it. Right you are.
Moving along smoothly, and... oh!
He drops! Look at the size of that back-splash.
He must feel better. Finally! Yeah!
Right you are, Ken. Let's take another look on the replay.
Yeah, you'll see here, he finally just lets go
into a quiet state of Ex-lax-ation.
Right you are, Ken.
Next up, Ray Pesci.
Am I here to amuse you?
He's a Good Humor fellow from Hoboken, New Jersey.
Yeah, he traffics in illegal frozen desserts
Like Pipe Bomb Pops. Right you are, Ken.
Look at that unique backwards style.
He seems... oh! Already in it, oh! And he is down.
Who's laughin'? Not me.
I like meat in my buns! Yeah!
And here, of course, David Schweitzer.
He consists on nothing but organ meats and entrail mix.
Sounds like an offal diet, eh, Ken?
Yeah, of course it's awful!
You're eatin' nothing but guts.
No. Offal, Ken. Offal refers to innards and... never mind.
Oh! He's down! Let's take another look at that in our MXC Impact Replay.
You see that strapping young man.
Very fit. As he goes down,
his muscles glistening in the fluid,
I think that bears looking at just one more time, Ken.
You can see right here, remarkable calf definition...
What are you doing? Gracefully, um...
Right you are, Ken. Let's move on!
I like shiny suits!
Next up? Corky Gotti, the Simple Don.
Yeah, he kills his victims with a friendly hug.
Oh! And it looks like he could use a hug about now, Ken!
Let's take another look at that in the replay.
Yeah. Right here, he lands on his bada,
and smashes the back of his bing.
Bada-bing.
Bada-bing! Bada-boom.
Right you are, Ken.
Next up for Weight Loss...
Carve my back!
That's Sal Roker. He lost 300 pounds
with the Electric Carving Knife Diet.
Yeah, he just trimmed the fat away.
Right you are. With removable blades,
for easy cleanup after.
As you can see, Sal is taking his time.
Looks like he's going into a side-saddle approach, Ken.
You don't normally see a man try this technique...
Oh! There's why!
There's a couple of more meat balls he could trim away, huh?
Kenny. Ha ha! He is down into the fluid.
That's a shame. My dog's in heat!
Yeah, well, take him for a walk.
Next up, Steve Martini.
A political palm-greaser known around City Hall
as Father of the Bribe.
Starting off slowly... Here...
He's going so slow, he could walk to Sicily
before he makes it across. Right you are, Ken.
He definitely exhibits a very deliberate style, if you will.
Taking his time.
As a matter of fact, this might be a good time
to thank Mr. Martini for his generous gifts
that we received just today, as a matter of fact.
The generous truckload of cigarettes.
Plasma screen TVs.
The assorted frozen meats.
Computers. The koi fish.
The hookers. Which I did not accept, of course.
The furs. The bootleg movies.
And the Italian suits.
Which I must say, of course, we cannot keep.
Whoa, whoa! What do you mean?
Well, I already sold my stuff.
I'm keeping the shiny suits, though.
Well, Ken, he appears to have picked up the pace there!
Got some momentum going... Oh, but he can't hold on!
And Mr. Martini is into the drink.
What a shame... Wait a minute. Play that back.
Last chance for the mob. No, Ken. It's not necessary... Did you see that?
Right there. Somebody kicked the log, made him fall.
I didn't see a thing, Ken. And neither did you, if you know what I mean.
So after two rounds, organized crime remains in the lead, 2 to 1.
Great competition so far.
Let's check on the mob team, in their lounge, huh?
Hey, you guys need anything? Some beer?
Cheese? Maybe a couple of broads?
Whoa, Kenny! Run! Run!
Hey, Vic? Where did you go?
I gotta get out! Hey! Hey! Cut it out!
Cut it out! Quit shooting!
Are those bullets real?
Oh, that guy's got a sword. Ha!
Hey, try to hit me. Missed. Missed.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey! They are real!
When MXC returns,
things get wet and slippery.
Got it, Dr. Fatkins?
MXC is back,
as the Tommy Guns battle the Thunder Buns.
Well, Kenny. As you can take a look
behind us here, at the picturesque
and world-famous East River,
you'll notice the mobsters
demonstrating the Sleep With the Fishes Diet.
Hey, hey. That's mine...
Just stuffed with starch, carbohydrates,
cooked in a thick wine sauce.
Yeah, when I smell fish,
it makes me wanna eat out. I'm going over there, Vic.
No, no, no! Rule number 1, Kenny.
Never get between a gangster and his mangia.
Rule number 2? Never keep the Diddler waiting.
Time for Little Man in the Boat.
Prepare to be diddled! Ha ha ha!
There, of course, The Diddler.
Get it on!
And here's our first contestant.
Uh, I don't live in Flint! Uh...
Infamous mob informant Nicky "The Flapping Pie-hole" Tortelli.
Of course, the object of the game is to climb on top.
Go for a little ride.
But you gotta pull out before you get wet...
Oh! I think he's been shot.
I think you might be right, Ken.
Let's take another look at that, in our MXC Impact Replay.
Right here.
Back, and to the left.
Back...
And to the left. Right you are, Ken.
Well, that's bad news for Vinnie, but good news
for the mobsters of the Branzini family,
who apparently won't be going to trial after all.
To the bone! Next up, Willa E. Acme.
She started the Coyote Ugly Diet.
Yeah, you'd chew your arm off to get rid of
the fat curtains hanging under 'em.
Right you are, Ken.
She's moving along nicely.
Making her way almost down to the end,
and it looks like... oh!
She comes off-board, and gets diddled!
She got grudge-dumped. Right you are.
I'm-a stayin' alive.
And here's Luigi Ferigamo. He's a mob tailor
who hasn't updated his line since 1977.
Yeah, he doesn't have to.
Velour sweatsuits and Members Only jackets are timeless.
Right you are, Ken... oh!
And he's down in the water. Let's take another look.
You see from our fast motion replay
that, uh, the same thing happens.
I hope his outfit is drip-dry.
Right you are.
Oh, here's Rose Flanagan. Sorry.
She's a spokesperson for the Cabbage and Beer Diet.
Yeah, that was invented by an Irish doctor in the windy city.
Like the old Irish saying,
"It takes a six-pack to get a six-pack."
And look at this lilting Irish lass!
Looks like she's gonna make it all the way down.
Can she do it?
I don't think so. And she's diddled.
And into the fluid. That's trunk-rinsings,
from the Gambino family dunker.
Size matters!
Right you are, Ken. And here's Bobby "No Choda" Minipeenie,
the self-loathing hit man.
Yeah. He's always threatening to whack himself.
And why not, Ken? He's just a little fella, and... oh!
Oh! Whacked off the edge, right there. Right you are.
You've gotta trust me. I'm a doctor!
This, of course, Seymour Results.
Author of the revolutionary diet,
Eat Less, Exercise More.
That could never work.
He's really misleading people.
Some people will do anything to make a buck, Ken.
But look at this!
He is moving himself nicely down the Man In The Boat rail.
But no! He, too, meets the Diddler. Ha ha!
Having a little trouble there, in the fluid.
Slaughter!
And next up, Ruth Carmello!
She's a stay-at-home hit mom from Reno, Nevada.
She's a fully-made member, but not your maid.
Right you are, Ken.
Let's see how she does here.
She gets past the diddling!
And it looks like she might have made it...
No!
What a shame! Let's take one more look.
She was so close! But not close enough, Ken.
Gidget had a chance to talk to her earlier about her unique lifestyle.
As a mob mother of two,
my day is completely filled.
I make the children their lunch, check their homework,
and drop 'em off at school.
So with the children at school, you must have
the rest of the day to yourself.
Oh, no. That's when I off a guy,
cut him up, bury him.
Then I have just enough time to pick up the kids
and throw in a load of blood-stained clothes.
And next up, Calista Flynn-Boyle.
She wrote the diet book for anorexics,
How To Lose the Last Five Ounces.
Yeah, here's the diet. For breakfast, nothing.
Lunch? Nothing. Dinner? Nothing.
Evening snack? Vomit! Oh, it seems so simple, Ken.
But most people don't have the discipline to stick to it...
But look at that! Calista has done it!
Apparently, she's so light,
she generates no momentum whatsoever.
So Weight Loss ties it up at 2 to 2.
I think this turtle's missing a shoe.
Right you are, Ken. He's obviously been
a victim of some organized crime.
Come on, Kenny! Let's get out of here.
Kenny! No!
Hey. Hey, any of you fat Mafia guys see a turtle shoe?
Hey, you deaf? Can you hear me?
Hey, Fatso! Ow! That bread is hard!
Cut it out! Ow!
When MXC returns, it's Tumbling Dominoes of Doom!
And we're not talking pizza. Thin crust.
MXC is back for the final battle
of Wise Guys versus Wide Thighs.
Well, Ken. Great... God, Ken.
What is that smell? What, is that coming from you? It's...
Oh. Ah-choo!
Yeah, those mob guys threw me in the East River,
and now I smell like ass and Sangria.
Ah-ah-ah-choo!
Ah! Yes! That's what that smell is!
Yeah. I smell like a Tijuana pool party.
Indeed. Pungent, yet surprisingly refreshing.
Next up: Tumbling Dominoes of Doom!
Don't get caught between the stones,
or you'll get crushed.
Possibly a permanent death.
Get it on!
And first up...
If I can do it, you can do it!
That's Antonio Rubenouto.
He's a self-made made guy.
Yeah, I think I've seen his infomercial:
How To Get Into the Mob and Increase Your Memory.
Oh! Right you are, Ken.
But that is one run I think he'd like to forget.
Let's take another look at that in our MXC Impact Replay!
Yeah. Right here, Vic.
I think he made in his pants.
I think you might be right.
I lost one pound! Ask me how!
And once again, our favorite anorexic,
Calista Flynn-Boyle.
There she goes... oh!
You can hear her hollow bones snapping.
Right you are, Ken. What a shame.
Big dogs and loud noises scare me! A lot!
And once again, the dim Don... Corky Gotti!
He drives a short yellow town car.
Ooo! Ow! Was that a gun shot, Vic?
I think you might be right, Ken. Let's take another look.
He's clearly running for his life,
and he appears to have been struck by something.
Yeah, I think it was like a retaliation shooting.
Once again, Ken, I didn't see a thing.
Bye, all!
Here's Demi Esteban.
She's the inventor of the South Bitch Diet! Ow!
Yeah, they nag the pounds off of ya.
I'm on fire!
Gotta go! Here's John Incontineti,
the adult diaper Don.
He can't control his temper or his bowels... oh!
Right you are, Ken. Looks like he needs to be changed.
Center square for the block!
This, of course, Whoopie Holdberg, for SlimFeast.
It's a full holiday feast in a single tasteless scoop of powder.
All the flavors of the holiday without your stupid family.
Right you are, Ken. And look at that!
She has made a great run!
Yeah! Whoopie has done it!
Let's take another look here. You can see.
She is certainly a SlimFeast for the eyes.
She lost a lot of weight. Right you are.
She puts the Weight Loss team ahead, 3 to 2.
Your whole body's my canvass.
Here's Kilroy Graffiti.
He's the tagging hit man.
Yeah, he leaves his work on freeway underpasses.
Oh! Look like he might find himself under one, Ken.
That was a shame. A short run.
So let's go down to Gidget,
who's with Kilroy and his family right now.
This is a very beautiful woman on his jacket. Is it you?
Oh, no. It's not me. It's his mistress.
Well, he is an attractive man.
I'm not surprised he has a mistress.
What would Gidget need to do to get
on the back of one of his jackets?
Hey, back off, LeDouche! You're gonna end up in a river, like she did!
Tickle my uvula!
Next up, Christie Binkley,
inventor of the Nordic Digestive Tract... oh!
Foot fetish!
Next up, Vera Prada designs a high-priced
line of stiletto cement shoes. Yeah. Women kill for them.
Right you are... oh! I bet she feels like dying after that run, Ken.
It's Allah or nothing!
And here's Dr. Hador Babaganoosh,
inventor of the Mecca Diet.
You eat five meals a day, facing east.
Fat people are infidels. They deserve to die.
Haroo! Come for baklava!
Inspiring stuff. Let's see how her run goes...
Moving across nicely. Good technique, Ken...
And... And it looks like Dr. Babaganoosh has scored!
And that puts the Weight Loss team
ahead for the final of 4 to 2.
Wow, that's cool. The diet people won!
Well, actually, Ken, they didn't.
According to the envelope I received before the game,
the organized crime team has won, 5 to 4.
What? That's not fair...
Oh, I know...
Uh, yeah. That's fair.
And it's time for Kenny Blankenship's
Painful Eliminations of the Day!
And starting out at number 10,
it's stay-at-home hit mom Ruth Carmello,
who misses her mark and gets fingered from the Diddler.
And at number 9, it's Good Humor Fellow Ray Pesci,
who gets ice-creamed! With sludge on top.
Crawling in at number 8
are these mob chicks, down on all fours.
I think they're in the Muffia.
Ha ha!
And weighing in at number 7,
Christie Binkley.
Her Nordic Digestive Tract
is acid reflux, and shut down.
And at number 6 is mob tailor Luigi Feregamo.
His run comes apart at the seams,
and he's fitted with a pair of septic slacks.
At number 5, it's infomercial guru Tony Rubenouto.
He uses personal power to go from loser to super-loser.
At number 4, our former intern
gives us a demonstration of what not to do.
Don't slip, don't break a bone,
and don't face mire.
Down for number 3 is Corky Gotti, the Simple Don,
who gets whacked off on the stone.
And at number 2 is our second assassination of the top 10.
It's Nicky Tortorelli.
I guess he's a real hit.
Man.
And my most painful elimination of the day
also goes to Corky Gotti!
What a day! He crushes his spine, gets shot...
It's a good thing he's dead, or he'd really be hurting.
Well, another great one, Ken. Why don't you take us out?
What do we always say?
Fuggetaboudit!
Bada-bing.